he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
