he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
