God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
