no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
