Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
