it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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