see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
