life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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