just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
