My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
