apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
