I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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