Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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