ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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