The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just high enough for therapy.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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