i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I smell stomach acid.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
