I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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