i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
