I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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