Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
