i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Found your dick twin last night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
