I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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