so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
