Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
