Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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