Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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