The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
