So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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