If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
