I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
