If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
