true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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