just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
