I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
