Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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