Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
being pregnant is like rehab
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
