Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
