He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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