i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
