is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
