he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
