so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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