im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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