Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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