My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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