saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
then he tried to convert me to islam
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
