i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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