Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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