Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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