you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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