So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm getting married
To pizza
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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