ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
