i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize