I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
