you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
