apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
