made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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