He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
