once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
