My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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