someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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